


Season’s Upon Us

by TeratoMarty



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Mayhem, Mischief, Other, Smissmass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28197225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeratoMarty/pseuds/TeratoMarty
Summary: They call this Christmas where I'm from.
Relationships: Pyro/Scout (Team Fortress 2), RED Spy/Scout's Mother
Kudos: 13





	Season’s Upon Us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wonderwhatthisbuttondoes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderwhatthisbuttondoes/gifts).



> In which I present to you a Team Fortress 2 Christmas story I wouldn’t hesitate to show to my own white-haired Mama. Not entirely G-rated, but nothing that will surprise anyone with a large family. Soundtrack is the eponymous [song by the Dropkick Murphys](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DqTx-sdR6Yzk&t=OWZjNzU5YWQwNGE1MDY2NTkyNjI3MmQ5MGI4ZGY0YzU2NjY3MTk1MCxuc3JsdWJtTw%3D%3D&b=t%3AwAWHXp3TMVVvueGyCjgfCQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fteratomarty.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F106199024969%2Fseasons-upon-us-in-which-i-present-to-you-a&m=0&ts=1608487265).

  
Mikey hadn’t seen his aunt Nora in years; his ma hadn’t been speaking to her over something someone said at cousin Bridget’s wedding. Or was it great-granduncle Willy’s funeral? He remembered his cousin Danny mainly as a loud noise under a sandy-blond crew cut. However, the guy standing on the porch of great-aunt Mary’s triple-decker home was all too familiar. They killed each other on a daily basis. The freakin’ BLU Scout was standing around like he goddamn owned the place!

The RED Scout ducked back behind his fat uncle Ned, who was asking what the holdup was. The traffic jam at the door was being caused by a woman, Aunt Nora, introducing some guy to great-aunt Mary. As soon as Mikey heard the guy speak- “Enchante, madame,” he knew why the BLU hadn’t noticed him. He was too busy glaring daggers at the RED Spy.

The crowd on the porch began to break up as Ned snowplowed his way through, and Mikey fell back to his date, who had just stepped up with a casserole. "Hey, Mumbles,“ he said, in what was a whisper for a Scout, "I think our Spy is bangin’ my aunt!”

"Your Spy is DATING my MA,“ Danny corrected, showing up unexpectedly in exactly the way Mikey hated. "Who the Hell is this? You know we ain’t supposed to talk about fort shit to civilians!”

"Hey! Mumbles ain’t a civilian, she kicked your ass yesterday and the day before!“

Danny looked over, assessing the chubby woman with a ginger bob haircut, trying picture that shape wearing anything other than a festive red-and-green sweater with sequins on. It took a minute to click, but when it did, the BLU flattened himself back against the wall. "Jesus H. Christ on a rubber crutch, you brought a PYRO. To our FAMILY CHRI-”

"shutupshutupshutup!“ Mikey smacked a hand over his cousin’s mouth. "You were the one sayin’ we shouldn’t shoot our mouths off in front of civilians. Look, this is MAUREEN, she’s from KANSAS, I met her at WORK and she made CASSEROLE. Okay?” Danny remained plastered against the brickwork.

"Hey,“ Maureen said, or something like it.

"Ah, mes amis, how nice to see you, I think that we should _move out of the doorway_.” The RED Spy sauntered up to the trio, laid his arms around the Scouts’ shoulders, and just happened to dig his thumbs viciously into pressure points that rendered the cousins unable to do anything other than comply. The Pyro trailed along in their wake as the Spy led the Scouts into the alley behind the building.

"Gentlemen,“ the Spy included the Pyro in the statement, "this is unexpected.”

"Says you!“ the BLU said, looking wildly around at a third of the RED team. "You’re gangin’ up on me!”

"Nothing of the sort.“ The Spy took a cigarette and lit it, to the Pyro’s obvious fascination. "I had believed that Michael’s mother’s estrangement from your own mother, Daniel, was strong enough to ensure that this would never occur. Clearly, I had not accounted for the Gaelic emotional volatility surpassing even the Gallic.”

The Scouts stared at him blankly.

"I thought they would fight like cats in a sack, forevermore,“ the Spy clarified.

"Well, of course they fight,” Danny explained, “they’re _family_.”

"So I see.“ The Spy took a deep drag. "For you, though no fighting. Christmas is a day of peace, a day of truce, and I will not have you spoiling my Nora’s happiness.”

The BLU Scout looked grudgingly impressed. "Okay, I’m fine with it. Mikey, you better hold your end up but what about hi- her?“ The Pyro’s eyes were tracking the glowing end of the Spy’s cigarette.

"Hey, Mumbles is _fine_ ,” the RED Scout countered. “You don’t start it, she won’t hafta finish it.”

"Like she could! I run circles around her every day'a the week!“

"Til she flare-guns ya in the fuckin’ face-”

"Gentlemen!“ the Spy roared "There will be no fighting, no foul language, no flare guns, and most of all, no discussion whatsoever of our employment today! You will at least simulate civility and play the part of a happy family for the next six hours, or so help me, I will make your lives insufferable in a thousand ways until the end of your miserable lives!” He took a deep drag of the cigarette to cover his panting.

"Wow, okay.“

"I guess I can see why Aunt Nora likes ya, you sound just like Grandma.”

“None of your lip, boy. M'mselle Maureen, I trust that you can look after yourself?”

“Mmhmm.”

"Good. Let us rejoin the festivities.“ The Spy stubbed out his cigarette and instantly assumed the expression of an uncle greeting his favourite nephews as he stepped out of the alleyway.

When they went inside, the tide of the family quickly separated the Scouts from Nora’s exotic and intriguing new gentleman friend. Rosy little Maureen settled down on a hassock in the living room, content to stare into the fireplace.

"Look, seriously, is she gonna be okay?” Danny tossed his head nervously in the fire fanatic’s direction. “No offence, but there’s kinda a lotta stuff on fire.”

Mikey looked around, and for the first time took in the fireplace, the candles, the burners on the stove, the ever-present flare of cigarette lighters as his aunts and uncles smoked their way through Virginia’s entire annual tobacco crop. 

"She’ll be fine,“ he said, hoping he sounded convinced.

The RED Scout kept a watchful eye on his date, but for the most part she seemed content to sit quietly among the chaotic welter of the Bostonian family. One quiet guest didn’t make much of an impression in a family that wasn’t so much ‘talkative’ as 'shoutative.’

The Scouts avoided each other until they both found themselves seated at the kids’ table, knees up under their elbows. From the dining room came the sounds of what passed for adult conversation, enlivened by the Spy’s polite laughter.

"That’s not even his real laugh,” Mikey confided to Danny over the head of a toddler making mashed potato sculpture.

"I know,“ the BLU hazarded a grin, "I heard it.”

Maureen, seated next to her date, did an impression of the Spy’s raucous snort-laugh, inspiring squeals of delight from the assembled rugrats.

"Yeah, exactly like that!“ Danny crowed.

After dinner, the Scouts found it easier to be in each other’s company. Out on the sidewalk, having dutifully admired some uncle or another’s new car, Mikey pulled Danny aside.

"So, Franswah or whatever he’s calling himself, doesn’t really talk much about, yanno, personal stuff. But once in a while he mentions a lady waitin’ for him.” Danny looked at him sharply, so Mikey pressed on. "But only ever just the one lady, you know? Just this one lady. He likes her. A lot.“

"Huh.” Danny thought for a moment. "I guess it isn’t too weird that we kick the crap out of each other, day in and day out. They stepped aside to let a scrum of drunken, brawling brothers-in-law go past. “Not in this family, anyway.”

“Yeah, at least we got the Medics to patch us up, after,” Mikey agreed as blood made festive red highlights on the snow.

Their moment of peace was shattered by a scream from inside- “Oh my GOD, it’s on FIRE!”

"Shit, Mumbles!“ The Scouts locked eyes and bolted toward the screaming.

The Christmas tree was a tower of flame, surrounded by screaming children. The Pyro was nowhere to be seen. Mikey barely had an instant to try to remember how to put out a fire without a medigun handy when a galumphing force pushed him aside. Maureen, still wearing rubber gloves with blobs of suds clinging to them, charged into the room. In one fluid motion, she whipped a wool blanket off the lap of an elderly aunt and used it to tackle the flaming tree. She stop-drop-and-rolled the whole thing into smouldering submission before the last toddler had quite finished wetting himself.

The Pyro got as far as standing up and flicking away charred portions of her festive sweater before she realised that everyone was staring at her. Blushing, she hid her face behind her hands, which had cracked out of the roasted rubber gloves. The family descended, showering her with thanks and praise. She curled in on herself.

"It’s okay,” Mikey stepped forward to put an arm around her. “You done good, Mumbles.”

"Give her room to breathe,“ Francois commanded the other relatives. "She must have inhaled a great deal of smoke!”

"C'mon,“ Danny shrugged off his suit coat and draped it over the Pyro’s shoulders, hiding the old burn scars revealed under the shredded sweaters. "Let’s go get you some fresh air.”

Working together, Mikey and Danny cleared a path to the back porch. "Sure wish we had Tons-o-Fun here to help, Danny muttered, shooing an aunt.

"Man, that’d be all we’d need.“

Out in the cold air, Francois lit a cigarette for Maureen. She didn’t smoke it, just gazed contentedly at the lit end. Wiping his face with a handkerchief, the RED Spy produced a flask from somewhere about his person and took a bracing drink. Without a word, he passed it along to Mikey.

"Thanks… Francois,” Mikey took a swig, as well. Whatever it was, it went down sweet and smooth, and packed a wallop worse than the Demoman’s scrumpy when it got there. “Holy Hell.” He passed the flask along to Danny.

Danny’s drink made his eyes roll back in his head. Once he got them out of his skull and both pointed the same direction again, he passed the flask back to Francois. "Yanno what?“

"No, what?” Mikey accepted the flask from the Spy. 

"We fight every day, we’re getting drunk together, and the Christmas tree went up in flames. I think we’re family, after all.“ Danny toasted his cousin with the flask.

"And you’re okay with me an’ Maureen being together?” Mikey took the flask, but hesitated before toasting back.

"Yeah, you’re kinda a cute couple in a weird kinda way.“

Mikey returned the toast. "Would you be okay with Spooky marryin’ yer ma?” he added under his breath.

"Don’t push me, pal.“


End file.
